Sunday, April 24, 2011

The Mist (spoiler) Movie review .. Revisited

Watch the trailer first.

The Mist. Marcia Gay Harden, Thomas Jane (relatively obscure, he was the Punisher, and he was in the very funny "Sweetest thing" with Cameron Diaz and Christina Applegate) Andre Braugher, and even the sherminator (American Pie's Chris Owen).

So when I saw the commercials, immediately I thought to myself...Oh great, bad weather and giant bugs, they filmed New York City in the spring for 2 hours and called it "the mist".

But seriously, this movie is way fucked up. Like, I thought it was gonna be shit fest 2007 from beginning to end, and I guess it still kind of was, but in all honesty, I guess I overlooked that it was a Stephen King novel and shat upon Frank Darabont because the commercials made it look absolutely crappy.

Here is where the spoilers come in, so read with caution. (or, don't, rather)

The movie is in fact, about giant bugs. Spiders, locusts, whatever. They were just big and gross and scary. I could complain about the CGI but in all fairness, all these fucking movies use that now so they were pretty much like any other completely fabricated creatures in any other high budget hollywood movie. The monster kind of reminded me of the cloverfield monstrosity. Tentacles, hanging pieces of monster everywhere. Quite gross. The giant tentacle thing with the acid suction, that was kinda bad ass. Sorry, Sherminator. One point tentacle, zero you. You died quick, and painfully. I think you kind of deserve it for that haircut.

Then comes the completely bad ass Jesus lady in the movie, who in my opinion is the most bad ass out of everyone in the movie. Marcia Gay Harden plays this completely hardcore committed Jesus freak, pointing fingers, calling people Judas, telling people they are gonna rot in hell and shit...Its so amazing... She turns half the store (they are stuck in a supermarket) against the other half, the other half being the half that has retained some sanity.

It turns out these bugs are from some sort of other dimension, and the three random military men (who are magically unarmed) are stuck in the supermarket, and reveal this towards the end when two of them hang themselves and third one is thrown to the wolves (jesus wolves, salem witch trial all over again) and Marcia gay harden completely choke holds him and makes him tell them about some government project where they try to access a portal to other dimensions (a window, is the word he uses) and shes like, "well fuck you, you opened a door, now take this jesus slap". So then they start slapping him around and some big truck driving honkey stabs him like 5 times in gut, and they force him to ride the jesus crowd wave out the broken window into the mist, and he gets eaten up and leaves a messy bloody handprint on the glass when they wont let him in. I'd just like to say that I knew he was going to die, because he got play just 3 or 4 scenes before this scene, where Darabont tries to force some substory into it about military guy and some checkout girl (who gets her neck chewed up by a giant locust) and how they have some mutual crush on each other and they make out for half a second and then its over. its beyond pointless. checkout girl's face blows up all swollen like a frog neck, its really gross. but see in every scary movie its completely necessary to murder anyone who tries to do anything sexual in anyway. so bam, they both died.

Did I mention someone catches fire playing with a gas soaked mop? Well he does. and he lives and they completely show his charred brains and how his clothes melted to his torso. Gross. Did I also fail to mention the spiders that burrow into bodies like cocoons and then burst out of faces and shoot acid webs? Well that happened too. I guess part of the problem is that we want to know more about this other dimension. Did i mention out of all the pussies in the supermarket that didn't want to leave, an old lady not only volunteers to go out into the mist for supplies with the men, but when jesus lady tries to stop her, grandma chucks a can of peas at her fucking skull!?!??! well she does. Its so ridiculously bad ass.

There's also a touch of chick fighting, some random blonde chick that for some reason falls in love with the punisher and his son and figures that his wife died so she can turn into mom and wife when all the chaos dies down.. SO random blonde chick gets mad at J-la (jesus lady) and slaps her across the face. J-la says, bitch, if you ever hit me again, you'll regret it!! (someone hold my baby, hold my baby!!)

So J-la convinces the crazies to sacrifice this poor military guy, and then she finds the normies (the normal ones) trying to escape and bugs the fuck out on them, and tries to get them to "take the boy!! take the boy and get that whore too!!" and then the little feeble supermarket employee shoots that bitch in the stomach and then in the fucking forehead and the bitch just drops!! supermarket dweeb, 1 point. j-la, ZERO!!.

So the normies, which included 7 but after some more spider feeding out side of the supermarket, becomes 5, which include punisher, the blonde whore, main dude's son, bad ass old lady, and neutral old man who kind of looks like Abe Vigoda. So they agree to just drive in his car (which has like 60 headlights on it) through the mist and see if they can get past it to safety. so punisher drives past his house where his wife is wrapped up in the acid spiderwebs dead as fuck and he gets emotional for 5 minutes and then keeps it moving. blondie doesnt say anything, but you can tell shes pissed off cuz thats already her man, she claimed his ass.
so they show them driving real slow like through the mist until the gas tank gets on empty and the car slows down and finally stops. they watch a giant spider monster stomp and make the ground shake, and then look at each other and realize they are fucked because the mist is still surrounding them and they are all going to die a horrible spidery misty death. So punisher whips out the gun, which only has 4 bullets left...but uh oh!! dilemma!! there is 5 of them. so he is looking around and he looks at his son and his son is just coming to (from sleeping in blondie's lap) and they cut to the outside of the car where all you see is 4 flashes.

they cut back to the inside of the car, and the fucking punisher is crying like a little baby and they don't show the kid but all four of them are dead as fuck. so he's all "woe is me" and gets out of the car to beg the spiders to come eat him alive and murder him so the sadness can go away (boo fucking hoo, theres no sympathy for any of these underdeveloped characters) and when nothing comes he starts screaming and crying (it sounds like hes getting A giant prison penis pushed into his butt) and then you know what happens? a minute later, the mist starts to clear. and not only that, but military trucks start driving by with survivors. so he shot them two minutes too soon. aint that some shit. so then he's like "ohh fuck my life!!!" and stares in disbelief. and this is the real clincher. get ready, because it's so good you might shit yourself. In the beginning of the movie, when they first get locked up, this lady in the supermarket is pissed because she wants to leave to go back to her two kids and nobody will help her to her car, so she's like, "i hope you all rot in hell" and punisher even says to her, "i got my own kid to worry about" ...Well sweet sally's ass, that bitch is in the back of one of the military trucks with her two kids SAFE!!!! if that's not the most fucked thing you have ever seen in a movie, how about you rewind and think about the other 7 scenes i fucking mentioned!! this is THE MOST warped fucked movie i have ever seen and i really have to truly commend stephen king for being such a sick fuck!!!!!!

anyway, if me ruining the ending for you makes you not want to watch it, you are obviously a perfectly sane person. but its so fucking totally worth it to watch jesus lady point and call a guy judas and whore and slap bitches around, and watch grandma throw a fucking CAN OF PEAS at her FUCKING SKULL and watch sherminator get his world destroyed by a giant acid is ABSOLUTELY so fucking worth it!!

im afraid I must give this movie an A+++

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